Three Wishes
by The Winter Wizard
Summary: While hunting in the Spine, Eragon finds a magic Genie instead of Saphira's egg and gets three wishes. Could things get any worse? Probably! - NOT a crossover and no slash! Parody/Crack!Fic


**Disclaimer:** Praise be to God! I do not own the Inheritance Cycle.

**Author's Note:** As I'm sure you've assumed by now, this is purely for fun and no real purpose. You might say it's a spoof of the Inheritance Cycle since this is a rewrite of the entire series. Some stuff is not included but most of the main characters will be. Just to warn you, flames will NOT be tolerated and used to roast marshmallows for good reviewers! *cringes* Wow! That sounded real cheesy, no? So before I put my foot in my mouth _again_, I would like to present you with the first chapter of my latest fanfic...

**P.S.** After writing this first chapter, it turned out to be more of a one-shot, plot-bunny thing but I might and will probably continue it.

**Chapter 1:** The Magic Genie

Eragon was just a normal village boy.

He was quite happy living with his Uncle Garrow and Cousin Roran, thank you very much. Contrary to popular opinion, he was not a solitary emo freak as some would assume. Nor did he miss his mommy and have daddy issues.

His uncle was just great and gave him loads of independence so long as he did his chores and tented to his part of the farm. Roran was nice too and would even set him up with dates insisting that he needed to 'get laid' before he became an old man.

While Eragon appreciated the gesture, most of the village girls turned out to hate his guts by the end of the dates so he usually declined the offer nowadays. Besides, he had taken to exploring the Spine – a nearby mountain range – for rumour had it that it contained loads of secret treasure and even a long-lost, ancient army.

Eragon wasn't too excited, as he was realistic and logical realising he would most probably _not_ find what so many others failed to realise. Needless to say, he was very surprised when his theory proved to be false one day while out hunting in the Spine.

Since the cost of meat was so high thanks to His Royal Tyrannical Fatness (aka the Mad King Galbatorix), Eragon preferred to hunt on his own and had grown quite fond of stalking prey and wielding a finely-crafted bow and arrow gifted to him by Brom the Storyteller.

Brom was an old friend of his uncle's and had taught him the art of hunting and archery. When he wasn't telling awesome stories of heroes and villains, he was taking him to bars or having mock sword-fights with him. He taught Eragon everything he needed to know, really and Eragon was grateful for his help.

He was really thankful since he had spotted a huge buck with impressive antlers, grazing in a clearing. As much as Eragon hated to kill the regal-looking creature, he liked venison and his family needed the meat. Besides, the antlers would look impressive hanging up in his bedroom and he could always use a new cloak of deerskin as winter was drawing night.

Taking a deep breath, Eragon notched his arrow and pulled the bowstring to his cheek aiming it at the unsuspecting deer. Wanting to get in just the perfect position, he took one soft step closer and knelt down only to start in surprise. Much to his shock and horror, a beam of golden sunlight bounced off something on the forest floor rebounding and hitting him in the eyes.

Caught off-guard, Eragon yelped and lost control of his bow. The arrow leapt through the air with a twang and thudded into a tree sending the buck flying in alarm. Cursing Eragon got up and kicked around in the leaves to see what it was that had distracted him. Just when he was about to give up and retrieve his arrow, his foot struck something hard and a golden object bounced a couple feet away.

There was a loud _pop_ and Eragon gapped in awe and wonder as a blue-coloured being burst out of the object in a puff of purple smoke. Eragon gapped in astonishment as it took on the shape of an eastern-looking human, wearing only a pair of colourful red shorts with yellow flowers on them.

He wore a pair of strange looking black things over his eyes and boasted a thin moustache which curled up at the ends of it, complimented by an equally thin goatee. But the weirdest thing of all was that the stranger had no legs.

Instead, his body kind of morphed into an "S"-looking trail that was connected to the object that Eragon only just now noticed was a lamp. And the lamp was glowing brightly. Eragon gulped and began to sweat as the being swivelled his head curiously and turned to Eragon with an amused grin.

"Ah! It's good to be back!" The being sighed, stretching luxuriously and, Eragon thought, a trifle exaggeratedly.

"Huh?" He asked stupidly.

The being stared at Eragon in disbelief.

"What?" He gasped in shock as if scandalized. "You mean you do not know of the powerful magic Genie?"

"Um, no," Eragon admitted awkwardly.

"Scandal!" The stranger exclaimed in horror. "Outrage! Why, not knowing of me is a fate worse than death!"

"More like _knowing_ you is a fate worse than death," Eragon muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" The stranger demanded, lifting up the black squares from revealing suspicious eyes.

"Nothing," Eragon gulped.

Eragon blushed furiously as the stranger cracked up laughing.

"You should have seen your face!" He exclaimed, whipping a tear of mirth from his eyes and slapping his thigh.

"Um, I think I'll just be leaving now," Eragon stammered, feeling slightly annoyed with this stranger.

After all, he had distracted his deer and now he was making a fool out of him.

"But you can't do that!" The stranger gasped. "It is unheard of!"

"What do you mean?" Eragon asked warily.

"I am a Magic Genie," The stranger announced, bowing in a dramatic flourish making Eragon roll his eyes. "And as such I am forced to give whoever controls me three wishes. But since you are so delightfully naive, I think I'll hang around you some more just for a laugh."

"How about not?" Eragon retorted sarcastically.

"Oh yeah?" The Genie demanded, folding his arms across his chest. "You are an idiot to not ask three wishes of me, boy!"

"Maybe," Eragon shrugged. "Or maybe not."

"Try your luck and see," The Genie said.

"As you wish," Eragon drawled, wanting to get this over with. "Hmm...let's see. I want... A deer! A nice, dead deer with lots of meat attached to it, freshly slain."

The Genie just sighed and muttered something under his breath. With a flick of his fingers, a massive deer with stunning antlers and a body rivalling that of the buck he just lost appeared on the ground. Eragon stared in awe and wonder.

"Oh boy!" Eragon said at last.

"You got that part right," The Genie agreed smugly. "So, waddya say? Will you take me on or what?"

"Definitely," Eragon nodded eagerly, visions of power and glory flashing before his eyes.

"So what is your first wish then, hmm?" The Genie asked imperiously.

An idea popped into Eragon's mind that he couldn't resist.

"I want to become a Dragon Rider!" He stated proudly.

And suddenly, the Genie felt a sinking feeling of dread well up in the pit of his stomach – or whatever one could call it – and began to wonder, as Eragon rattled off a list of surprising but valid commands, if he had done the right thing.

_Prepare yourself, Alagaësia!_ The Genie thought with a sigh of woe. _For a tyrant worse than Galby is coming along._

**To Be Continued...**

**A/N:** Dun-dun-dun! Okay, I'll admit that was kind of dorky but the plan was to have Eragon find a magic genie instead of Saphira's egg and use his three wishes to become a Dragon Rider, the ruler of Alagaësia, and become super rich, etc. Basically, this story is Eragon with a backbone and a bada$$, witty Eragon.

The Genie will also adopt Eragon and they'll go on lots of adventures together. I might and will most probably continue this story but if anyone wants to adopt it, PM me and we'll see. Also, don't forget to review if you want another chapter as I have several pretty cool ideas lined up for this although it was more of a plot-bunny.

And stay tuned!


End file.
